Bang for your buck!

"I would like an athletic donor, with star potential." Andrea says. I try to review our conversations, in the past few months- and they are now consumed with sperm talk. Never in my life did I think I would talk so much about sperm. How much, by when, what type, what price. Its never ending. We have 5 potential donors that we like, that have all the requirements that we want. You know, tall, good skin, brown eyes, great education, and athletic (Andrea). The images of designer babies pop into my head. I mean literally you can buy any quality you want, its so strange. Well except red heads, as it turns out people have a ginger prejudice, and banks no longer want red head donors. The minority sperm is expensive too, why is that I wonder?

Andrea asks, "Can we just put out an ad for sperm?" First thought, yuck. I said, "Well we could but it would be short genetic testing, STD testing, and sperm motility testing." These are things I require. That got me thinking how would it go if someone just placed an ad for sperm? Would you go to Craigslist? Check out Ebay? In my head this is how it would go:

AD12567:

Lesbian couple seeks potential SD in the Triangle area. Must be drug, STD, and genetic abnormality free. Must have a degree or be obtaining one. Must be tall, and have dark eyes. Only serious inquiries apply. Preference given to athletes. Willing to pay a fee.

Reply from Goodhotcum:

(Explicit picture and face shot just for you)

Have I got a deal for you!

I understand you and your wifey are going through some tough times in the family-planning department. And while I can't do anything about your wife's lack of a penis, I can about the price you're paying for sperm.

Word on the street is sperm is five, six hundred bucks a payload? I can get you grade-A stuff for half that.

I've been in the sperm-supply game since 1982, and in that time, I've learned countless ways to cut costs while adding value. When you buy from me, you know you're getting the absolute best semen money can buy. What's more, I'll beat any competitor's price.

So let's talk cost. Normally I would charge $450 for a 2 ounce load, but I think I like you, and you know what, send me a picture, and I could easily go $400 for you, just for you.

Now, I know you are thinking how can it be so cheap? It's simple: I cut out the middle man. Most speciments, go through testing, and warming, dethawing, freezing, and then pass through at least a dozen hands before ever reaching the shelves of the sperm bank, and every one of those people takes a cut. That adds up. I am doing you a service, by getting rid of all that overhead.

Tell you what. Because I like you, I'm going knock another $50 off that price. Just email me back with that picture, I am in a giving mood. Just for you. You know its a great deal, and I like to help the lesbians- $350, and add a picture of your wife. Yeah, I am helping you out.

And if you buy today, I'll deliver today. I know you have to be use to waiting weeks for delivery, and it comes in that big tank, then you have to dethaw it. No none of that if you order today, I will bring it right over to you. Like a pizza hot and ready.

You don't want to buy sperm from some big, impersonal bank with outlets all over the country, do you? You want the personal touch. You want it from a person—a real, live flesh-and-blood human being. If you can't look your donor in the eye, can you really trust his sperm?

When you buy my sperm, you know exactly what you're getting—the magical little potion necessary to make another extraordinary human being just like me. As you can see, I'm tall and reasonably attractive. I have a college degree, and I'm a real entrepreneur, full of ambition and spunk. Catch that? Spunk? No extra charge for that.

So, what do you say? Do we have a deal here? Let me tell you, I'm probably going to lose money on this transaction, but that's okay by me. That's how much I want to make this deal happen. How about $300?

Not only do I personally hand-deliver each sperm sample directly to your door for no extra fee, but I'll happily bring it to its final destination. That's right, if you're looking to save money and eliminate hassle, leave the fertilization to me. I'm happy to deliver the sperm directly to your uterus, free of charge. I told you I was giving, I just want to help your process along.

Just think of what you are saving, no doctor, no cups, no mess. Who needs a cold sterile enviroment with a doctor and gloves, when I will come right now, and fertilize you for free- no extra charge. Look we are practically friends, this process doesn't have to be impersonal. It will make me happy just bringing you the joy of life after all.


Still not sold? I can't go any lower on the price, but I can double your quantity for no extra charge. Yep, you heard me—no charge. I'll personally deliver a second batch of sperm to your uterus, absolutely free. And my product is 100 percent guaranteed, so if you are dissatisfied for any reason, I'll be more than happy to replace it with another of equal or lesser value. In fact, I'll even give you my home phone number so you can call me any time, night or day, for a refill. You won't get customer service like that from any of the big sperm banks.

Okay, you've got my back against the wall here. I'll go $150. Final offer, take it or leave it.

*delete*